Hypocrisy, Judgment, Split up Friends...Who's really in Control?
2004-11-19 @ 2:11 p.m.
Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy. On Sunday I went to a worship concert at my church, called Above the Noise. It was AWESOME!!! :) I totally got into it and was raising my hands and jumping up and down...it was so cool. :) I brought Ally with me, but I don't know if she really liked it. :( I don't know if she's ever really felt the freedom or desire to worship in that way. :( I want so badly for her to fall head over heels in love with God, but I can't really do anything about it. I don't know her heart, but from what I can see her relationship with God is only surface level. She's missing the good stuff, the AWESOME thing about being a Christian. Maybe, I'm wrong, because I don't know her heart. But I want so badly for her to know that passionate, deep love. I want it so bad.
It's also been really hard for me to watch this whole thing with Rozie's parents and Ally. Now that Rozie can't spend time with Ally...it makes me so sad. For awhile I was really angry about it, these are my close friends we're talking about here! Two of my super close friends are now not allowed to be friends anymore, and it made me so sad to watch. I also feel like it's partly my fault too, because I introduced them, and if it wasn't for me they would never have met (most likely) and then Rozie wouldn't have gone through so much and Ally wouldn't be constantly beaten down because she's now an "evil person" according to Rozie's parents. Well not really about the evil person thing. I talked to my mom about it, one night, I was like "GRR! Rozie's parents make me so angry! Why are they so prejudiced against Ally?" And my mom told me that it wasn't that they had a grudge against Ally it was that when Rozie was around Ally she did some things that she now regrets a lot. And so my mom finally helped me realize that Rozie's parents are doing what they think is best...and even though I don't entirely agree with it, they're doing what they think is best.
Although I still don't entirely agree with Rozie's parents...sigh. I feel like they're being to hard on Ally. And kind of hard on Rozie. Rozie's so hard on herself too. It makes me sad. It's not my place to judge, so I am not judging, because I don't know everything and maybe there's stuff that I don't know, but sometimes I really feel that Rozie's dad is overly judgmental. I don't know...I'm probably wrong. But, sometimes that's really the way I feel. And I feel like the people in Rozie's church are that way. Sometimes I wonder if there's a spirit of judgment in their lives. There are a lot of really nice people at Rozie's church, don't get me wrong.
It's just...sometimes...for example: This summer at Camp Dwight I put some make up on Rozie. It was a little much, it didn't look great, and I tried to get some of it off but I couldn't and I didn't have any Q-tips so Rozie just had to live with it. The whole time she had on the make-up she got dirty looks from people. And it wasn't that much!!!! Plus, her dad made some sarcastic remark about how much make up she had on, and she didn't want to say it was me who did it because she was worried that then her dad might think I was a bad influence on her and then I wouldn't be allowed to be her friend either! Grr...And her parents have this grudge against Paige too. Because at Camp Dwight Rozie tried to tell Paige and Ally that they weren't allowed to wear two piece tankini bathing suits. And Paige and Ally weren't really listening and Rozie was NOT making it clear. Rozie actually put on her tankini top too! Hello! If you're trying to get a message across, don't go do the things that you're telling them not to do! And it's partly my fault too because I didn't step in and say something even though I knew what Rozie was trying to say and I knew that Ally and Paige weren't getting it. So then Kathy (Rozie's sister) has this whole prejudice thing going against Paige. And Rozie's parents don't really want her hanging out with Paige either. I mean Paige made some wrong decisions, Ally made some wrong decisions, Rozie made some wrong decisions, I made some wrong decisions...but why do they have to make everything so much harder but causing all this heartache? I'm kind of afraid that Ally will be kind of turned off to Jesus because of all this. I just hope that she'll turn to Jesus instead. I feel just stuck in the middle of it all. And I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know what it is about Rozie, but she wants so badly to do the right thing, and she so badly wants love. Like real love. Somehow I don't think she gets that from her dad. They have more of disciplinarion and disciplinee relationship, I think. I may be totally off. I don't know. But her dad doesn't really seem like the mushy type at all. And Mary struggles with wanting attention, cuz she's the middle child. So that's why when David came along she started emailing him. And then even after forbidden to email him, she did. Again and again and again. And I don't understand her sometimes...and I know she regretted it so much, every time. Yet she kept doing it. Then she ran away from church and went to his house and that whole thing...ahh!!! And so it's another thing that's been hard for me to watch. It's like right when I think she's on track with the Lord she does somthing like that again, and I know that everyone makes mistakes and I'm not judging her, but it's just like...I got tired of the whole David thing. I just got sick and tired of it. And I was still there for Rozie, I still listened to her, but in my heart I was just like, "ROZIE, GET A CLUE!" And I hate the fact that that was my attitude. I mean I'm supposed to be there for her all the time and always understand and always listen and care, and I was still like that on the outside, but I was kind of not the best of friends always on the inside.
Sigh. Wow, I really needed to get that out. That's been there since the summer. Not all of it, but parts of it. Sorry for ranting and raving to you guys. I just needed to write out my feelings on all of this. And it's not really as bad as it sounds all the time, because God is in control. He really is. I'm not. Rozie's not. Ally's not. Paige's not. God is. And I do thank God SO MUCH that I have friends like Rozie and Ally and Paige and Kathy....they're awesome! God is so good to me. And He knows better than I do, and maybe Rozie's parents do too. Well, I luv ya alls!!!!!
Love,
Mercedes