How Can I Trust You? How Can I Not?
Friday, Nov. 25, 2005 @ 4:12 PM
Why does obeying God have to be so hard?
I thought I was supposed to feel good about this! Huh? What's wrong with me? What's going on? Usually when I obey when it's hard, it's a good feeling! Now it just feels like I dumped everything down the drain.
So, I told Mom that I wanted to give the money I earned to Samaritan's Purse. I thought that's what you told me to do. I also thought it'd be more.
Well, look where it got me!
Now it doesn't look like I can go to Greece. $600 down the drain.
Is this really what you want me to do? Do you really want me to give that money to you? I've had this sense of foreboding all month combined with a sense of trust. Don't You want me to go to Greece, huh? Don't You care?
I'm sorry, God. I don't mean to get all angry...I just feel so hopeless, so helpless. I want so badly to go on this trip. Yet, how can I? I mean, there's pretty much no way. Not if I give the money from Todd and Micki, too. Although, I don't even know if I'm allowed to cuz they gave it to me for Greece.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST ME, KATELYN? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BELIEVE WHAT I SAY?
What do you think I'm doing? You should've seen the look on Mom's face when I told her I wanted to give the money to Samaritan's Purse.
I DID.
Oh yeah...well, this is so hard, Jesus...so hard. I don't know how to do this. I want to go to Greece so bad. I also expected to earn more than $600 dollars for watching kids while Mom and Dad were gone. I don't know why, though. God, I need You. Oh, Daddy, I need You so badly right now. I can't do this, God. I just can't do this.
KATELYN, TRUST ME. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...I WON'T STOP ASKING YOU TO JUST TRUST ME.
It's so hard.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
Jesus, I need You.
YOU KNOW THAT SONG YOU WROTE? REMEMBER THE WORDS?
"YOU CAN GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH TO THE MOST DANGEROUS LANDS
YOU CAN WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF DEATH
AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU
YOU CAN CLIMB THE HIGHEST MOUNTAIN
YOU CAN CROSS THE MOST RAGING SEA
YOU CAN WALK A THOUSAND MILES
AND I WILL FOLLOW YOU
WHEREVER YOU GO, I WILL FOLLOW.
WHENEVER YOU WALK, I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND
WHATEVER YOU DO, I WILL DO, TOO
I WILL FOLLOW YOU.
I WILL GO WHERE YOU GO
I WILL DO ALL THAT YOU ASK OF ME
I WILL WALK IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
I WILL FOLLOW YOU"
THAT SONG IS YOUR COMMITMENT TO ME. RIGHT NOW, I'M LEADING YOU OVER WHAT SEEMS LIKE A MOUNTAIN AND ACROSS A RAGING SEA. IT SEEMS LIKE THE VALLEY OF DEATH...YOUR DREAMS ARE DYING.
BUT, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I'M IN CONTROL OF THE MOUNTAINS. I MADE THEM. I CAN TELL IT TO GO THROW ITSELF INTO THE SEA AND IT WILL. DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN I CALMED THE STORMS FOR YOU? FOR YOU! NOT JUST WHEN I WAS ON THE BOAT WITH THE DISCIPLES, BUT FOR YOU, WHEN YOU WERE DROWNING. I SENT THOSE GUYS TO SAVE YOU. I CALMED THE SEA, I STOPPED THE RAIN, I BROUGHT YOU OUT OF DEATH AND INTO LIFE!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IN ORDER TO RECEIVE ALL THAT I HAVE FOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO SAY "NO" TO GOOD THINGS, TO GREAT THING, IN ORDER TO RECEIVE THAT WHICH IS TRULY WONDERFUL? IN ORDER TO RECEIVE ME, YOU HAVE TO TAKE UP YOUR CROSS AND CARRY IT. YOU HAVE TO DIE. YOU HAVE TO DIE TO YOURSELF IN ORDER TO LIVE ETERNALLY.
DO NOT DESPAIR.
How? How do I not despair? I've talked aobut going to Greece for over a year...and now...to give it up. To let go.
TRUST ME.
What does that mean? Does that mean I'm going? Does that mean I'm not? I'm so confused!
REMEMBER ALL THOSE VERSES I GAVE YOU? REMEMBER PHILIPPIANS 4:19 "AND MY GOD WILL MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS RICHES IN CHRIST JESUS," OR JOHN 17:10 WHERE JESUS SAYS "ALL I HAVE IS YOURS, AND ALL YOU HAVE IS MINE?" THE SAME THAT WAS TRUE FOR MY SON, IS TRUE FOR YOU. I HAVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING, I SAID "ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE." I SAID "IF YOU LOVE ME, KEEP MY COMMANDMENTS." I SAID "I LOVE YOU, KATELYN." I'M SAYING, "I LOVE YOU." WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TRUST ME?
Why is it so hard, Lord? Oh, Father, help me believe! Forgive my unbelief. Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me, Daddy. I'm sorry I didn't trust You. I'm sorry, I'm so, so, so sorry. You own all the riches of this world and I can't even trust you to provide $3000 measly little dollars. That's nothing to You. So, why can't I just trust You? Lord, I long for You so desperately. I don't know how to do this, Lord. I don't know how to let go and trust You. If you want me to go, I'll go. I'm asking You to go, Lord. Please provide within the next five days. I don't know how to do this...be my strength, Lord. Be my strength. I need You...I need You, I need You, I need You! And God, I love You! I love You so much, and I want to obey so much! I love You, I cannot not love You. Help me, Lord. Be my strength. I put my trust in You. I will follow. No matter what it takes. No matter how much it hurts. I will follow, I will go (or stay, or give). I will obey. Love, Your Beloved Princess, Katelyn