Long, Confusing Disarray
Saturday, Mar. 04, 2006 @ 10:37 PM
Yeah, so I haven't written in awhile. Not like anyone reads this, so it doesn't matter.
I've been feeling very confused lately. About a lot of things. Healing, Greece, people, feelings, God, me. I just don't know anymore.
To start off with, on Tuesday I got prayed for to be healed. And I'm still stuck with asthma. But I felt the anointing of God so powerfully that night. I just don't know anymore. I guess it's just up to God whether or not He wants to heal me.
Another thing I've been struggling with...Greece. I have felt so confused about the whole thing. I've been so excited to go, but now I feel like I'm almost dreading it because I don't have any peace about the trip. I just feel confused. Back in October I felt like God said I wasn't going to go. Well, here it's four days till I'm supposed to leave and I just feel confused. For awhile I was completely convinced I wasn't going to go. Then I prayed about it when it looked like I was going to go and all I heard God say was "trust me." But I had thought before that that I'd heard Him say "you're not going." And now all I am is completely mixed up! I don't know what's God and what's me anymore!
I feel like my faith is worn so thin and my hope is being stretched and stretched and pretty soon there won't be much left.
Prov 13:12 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
I feel like the man with the hope deferred. The thought of being able to breathe, completely free of wheezing and inhalers, is such a beautiful one. Yet every time I get my hopes up to be healed, they're dashed to the ground. And when I try to hear God, all I hear are my own cries...and answers that I'm not sure are from me or from Him or from somewhere else.
I just feel so...empty.
Is it to much to ask for some guidance? For some spiritual wisdom from someone else? But I don't know who to ask. Is it too much to ask that God will bring that person to me? Because, right now, I'm feeling so hopeless.
This feels so different writing this. This is never something I've really struggled with before. But now...I just want to be free. Free. Free. Free. Free of asthma. Free of stress. Free of confusion. Free of conflict. Free of chaos...free of life on earth. Man, I can't wait to go to heaven...
I feel like I have all these songs bottled up inside of me, all these emotions, all these contemplations, and I can't seem to get them out. It's like it's all stuck in there and I just want to belt it out...but I can't.
I've been listening to this song on Michael Newman's myspace (www.myspace.com/pluit). It's so good. Michael is going to Greece, too. I don't know what it is about him, but I really want to get to know him. He writes songs, too, he's passionate about God. I don't even know him.
But listening to his song makes me want to cry and I don't know why that is. Songs usually touch me a little...but this one stirs ups so many emotions in me that I just can’t explain it.
I hope nobody reads this because it's such a jumble of thoughts and emotions and scribbles.
God. I need You.
Where are You, Jesus? Where is my Savior? Where is my True Love? My Prince of Peace?
God, I just want somebody to love me, to hold me, to sing to me all night long.
Love me, Jesus, love me. Sing to me.
Love,
Katelyn