An AWESOME journal entry I found!
Saturday, Jun. 18, 2005 @ 11:04 PM
A few minutes ago I opened one of my old prayer journals and I started reading. I found this entry. It really hit home with me and tears welled up in my eyes when I read it. I'm so familiar with all the struggles, but God is so faithful.
Here's what I wrote:
November 24, 2004
Dear God,
I just read in Matthew about the Pharisees and their hypocrisy. About how tehy are like a cup that looks clean, but on the inside is dirty. Or a whitewashed tomb that on the inside is full of dead men's bones. And it made me think:
Am I really alive? Spiritually, I mean. Am I just full of gunk on the inside, but on the outside look all happy and nice?
Where's my heart at? Is it in the right place? Why do I live the way I do? If I claim to be a Christian, where are the fruits? Your Word says that "you shall know them by their fruits." What fruits are showing up in my life? Where's the "faith that can move mountains?" Where's the overflowing love and patience towards everyone I meet? What fruits am I producing?
I need to know where I really am. When I look at my spiritual life compared to those men and women of awesome faith who love/loved You with their whole heart...I feel so immature. Yet when I'm around some people...I feel above them, almost. And I start to get proud. Save me from this! I long to be clothed with humility! I long to be righteous! I long for that mountain-moving faith. I long for more of You. For that intimacy and passion. You are my heart's desire. You are what I long for.
Sometimes I get so caught up in myself (okay a lot of the time) that I forget about You. I keep catching myself doing that. And then I get so frustrated with myself for putting other things before You. I'm either too busy, too tired, not in the right mood, doing school, music, friends, eating!...and even though I fasted today, I didn't spend much time with You. Why do I do this to You? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always wait till the end of the day to finally talk to You? Why do I deprive myself of the best thing that's ever happened to me, the best person in the whole universe and beyond?...the most glorious, awesome, holy, righteous, pure, loving, kind, gentle, generous, perfect Person. Why do I fool myself into thinking that You can wait? You can live without me, but I can't live without You. Why do I try to?
Jesus, why are You so faithful, when I'm not? Why do You love me so much? I don't deserve the privelege of saying Your Name, but You chose to come down to earth in the form of a lowly human and die, because You love me.
I love You. My love is imperfect and small compared to You. But it's still love. I do love You, Jesus. Everything about You. I love Your smile, even though I've never seen it. But I've felt it...and it's the most beautiful thing...I love Your laugh, even though I've never heard it, but there are times when You just laugh, and help us laugh, at how foolish we humans are. You give the gift of laughter, sometimes I can just picture You laughing for the joy of laughing.
[note to readers: I started crying when I read this] And sometimes You cry. How I love Your tears! Because eve3n when You're sad, Your tears express hope...hope through all the pain and suffering. You know that while sorrow may last through the night, joy comes in the morning!!!!!
But most of all, I love your heart. Because that's where Your love for me comes from. Unlike mine, Your heart is not evil and deceitful. Out of Your heart comes mercy and forgivenss and love. Out of Your heart comes compassion for the poor, suffering lost souls. Out of Your heart comes love. Love for me! I LOVE YOU FOR LOVING ME! I love You. Jesus, I love You!
Love,
Katelyn
That's what I wrote. It's long and kind of sporatic at times. But it was my heart. And it was what I needed to hear tonight. I love ya guys! Good night!
Katelyn