Complaining to Thanksgiving
Sunday, May. 08, 2005 @ 9:30 AM
I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so frustrating. I got TEN hours of sleep last night, and I'm still exhausted. I've been coming down with a cold or something. It doesn't really make sense that I would get a cold though, because I've been eating super healthy, getting my regular amount of sleep, which is almost always eight hours and...I dunno. Mrs. Stevens said it's probably because my body is de-toxing. At first I had a lot more energy, I lost weight, my asthma was way better...now I'm tired, I feel fat because I'm so tired and I don't have the energy to have good posture or anything, and my asthma is way worse. I keep running for my inhaler, except I don't have the energy to run. I have a cough, a runny nose, and big bags under my eyes. But, if my body is de-toxing, I guess it does make sense for me to feel like this. I just hope it'll go away soon.
It's a really dismal day outside. It matches my mood.
I don't feel like I fit in anymore. Anywhere. I don't fit in at Oneighty cuz it's so big. I just get lost in the crowd. I don't fit in at Real Life, because I feel like everything's so small. So shallow. The worship is minimal. Right when we actually start to get into worship, it's over. The message is the same. After we play some pointless game, there's a brief little message. I want to go deep. I want to have to swim, not just wade in the water, y'know? I want to get into the Word, and study it.
Brooks is a great teacher for going deep, it's just that lately there's been no time to. Because we always play some game. Brooks tries to get deep in the span of twenty minutes, after everyones been goofing off, then there's the discussion time, so he only talks for about ten minutes, maybe fifteen or something.
I go for the fellowship. I love to see Kiya and Katie and Mary and Kim and Teresa. But even so, I still don't get a whole lot of time to just talk to them. Last week I got to talk to Katie, that was so good. I was so glad we got to do that.
God opened up this worship team opportunity for me, but I feel like I'm such a weak vessel and nothing's really going right and yada yada yada yada! Is this really what God wants me to be doing? I mean, how can I lead worship for a bunch of kids who couldn't care less whether or not they get to worship?
GOD, HELP ME!
I'm sorry I've been complaining. You know what You're doing. You loved me enough to die for me on the cross, to be separated from God, for me! I will always have You with me, but You...You were separated from God, You who have no sin, for me. Why do You love me? All I do is whine and complain.
God, I'm so sorry. Forgive me. I choose to focus on YOU! On YOUR goodness, on YOUR glory, on YOUR power, on YOUR majesty, on YOUR great, passionate love. Your great passionate love for me. God, You love me. You love me so deeply, in a way that I can't comprehend. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You for Your passion, perfection, and peace. Thank You, Jesus, for Your death on the cross, for Your separation from God, for Your simple and perfect love. Thank You, Jesus, for loving me just the way I am. God, You are so good. Thank You, Jesus.
Love,
Katelyn
Mercedes