Frustration
Monday, Apr. 18, 2005 @ 7:59 PM
I'm really frustrated and sad and upset right now. *sigh* I haven't had the best of days, since I've been home anyways. My family is so frustrating! I mean, if you listen to us sometimes, we sound so awful. Our tones of voice are so bad when we talk to each other. I just hate to listen. And I know I'm just as bad as everyone else so when I try to do something about it then it just gets back at me. Rarr.
Tonight I yelled for Ben to come finish his kitchen job, because he hadn't finished it. Then we got in this big fight because he said it wasn't his and yada yada yada. And I was really frustrated because I feel like I've been yelling all night, and then I started fighting with Ben. But what really topped the cake was when Ben said, "Stop bitchin, Katelyn." And then just made me so angry, and shocked, too. I was like, "Don't cuss at me!" And he said, "Don't yell at me!"
But what makes me really upset is not just the fact that he cussed, but that I know he cusses. When he's around Aaron, he cusses. Caitlin's told me. But obviously they never do that around me. Because I'm the "goody-two-shoes" and I'll go tell mommy and daddy. Rarr. But I've kept so many things secret for a long time. Like, Ben's made out with girls before, and he cusses with Aaron, and it's so gross. I mean, don't my parents get it? I wouldn't know if it wasn't for Andrew...rarr. I can be so naive sometimes it frustrates me. I had no idea that Ben did that. And some of you are probably like, so...what's the big deal? But don't you get it?? We're supposed to have a higher standard!
I don't get why my parents keep letting Ben hang out with Aaron. He's such a bad influence on Ben.
Back to the higher standard thing. It may not seem like much to some people, but we are supposed to have a higher standard. If you tell someone you're a Christian you're supposed to live up ot a higher standard, you're supposed to do better. And I frustrate myself so much because I know that I don't always live up to that standard. Like all my yelling at Ben, my hypocrisy. There's a spirit of self-righteousness over me...and I want it to be gone. I need to talk to God. I'm getting mad at Ben for not living up to the standard, but neither am I.
Later
Mercedes